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December 18, 2006
I live with the fear that my spirit will be broken
Taking a whole lot of risks these days, I certainly am.
My homework from therapy this week is to notice when I feel fear, and to acknowledge it and learn to coexist with it, without needing to act in response. I spent a lot of time talking to Barbara about how I think fear shaped both my parents' lives, and how it really very clearly determined how they parented me: My dad was afraid I would turn out like him, so he had to protect me from that terrible fate; my mother was afraid she would lose me (her mother had thirteen pregnancies, and only three children survive) and so had to protect me from everything in the world. It's a real wonder that I'm not more nervous than I am, I think.
I've been facing a lot of fear physically -- pain is no picnic, as I think Montaigne might've said at some point -- but what I've come to realize is that the fear is an emotion, a response to a physical state in this case. And since I know what is causing the pain, and we have a plan about how to remove the source of the pain, it's been pretty easy to master the fear. I tell myself, "Yep. Sure do feel afraid. But it's going to be okay soon." And the fear dissipates.
The other fear I'm facing is purely emotional. I've fallen wildly, madly, solidly in love with a man who lives in San Francisco. It's a lot less scary than some relationships I've tackled; he loves me too, for one thing. But loving is scary, it just is. Figuring out how a new person handles himself; feeling vulnerable and exposed and silly -- those problems come with the territory, no matter what the relationship looks like. I've got the additional stress of his being so far away, though, and learning how to negotiate needs long-distance is tricky.
Technology is helping lots. There's Flickr, and Twitter, and blogs, and email, and IM, and text messaging, and gosh -- it seems impossible that people ever attempted long-distance relationships without all that! But typing *hug* isn't really the same as giving or getting one, no matter how emotively I work my keyboard.
Which brings me to the other thing that's helping, which is Buddhism and meditation. I like that I've got ancient tech and modern tech BOTH on my side in this. When I miss him, I remember that everything is impermanent. I remember to live in the moment, and I am having lots of good moments. I consider that he is an *addition* to my life, and every bit of time I get to spend with him (in person, on IM, on the phone, reading what he and all his clever friends have written online) is a plus; when he is not with me, he is simply Not With Me, he hasn't disappeared forever. And as I read recently (and am paraphrasing): "The relationship is what happens when you are together -- if you have doubts and worries and upsetting thoughts when you are apart, set those aside and reconsider them when you are both there." I'd love to have heard that advice a long, long time ago, I tell you what. But I'm very happy that I heard it before embarking on a long-distance relationship.
So. I live in interesting times, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
More soon on Mom stories. Drama! Romance! Treachery! Pancho Villa!
Posted by Rose at December 18, 2006 10:31 PM