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October 03, 2006
I feel my heart start to tremblin'
So tomorrow I'm going to the cardiologist, and not a minute too soon! I was annoyed with my doctor for suggesting it, back on the 12th, when my pulse (at rest, after hanging out in her office chatting for about 45 minutes) was 108 bpm, but I've been checking in on it now and then in the weeks after, and it's often in the high 90s, and just now? I was sitting, knitting, feeling pretty peaceful, and it's 112.
Stoopid!
I'm trying not to freak about this too much, since that seems directly counterproductive. I'm just going to let the nice cardiologist tell me how concerned to be. They're going to do an echocardiogram, and then have me wear a 24-hour Holter monitor. I'm hoping this doesn't suck too much. It's keeping me away from yoga for two days! Grr.
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I have a lot to say about what I've been learning from Buddhist teachings, but I don't quite have it in words yet. There's lots of amazing stuff in the books I've been reading, though. My favorite bit in Pema Chödrön's book When Things Fall Apart is her saying "hope kills the future." That sure feels like a lesson I need to learn.
I had been saying for a couple of months that I felt a need for a different kind of therapist than the ones I've seen over the years, who've all been focused on very standard Northeastern eclectic talk therapy. I've spent years learning figuring out what makes me who I am, and considering what the deep causes of my problems are. I'm all done. Now I want my problems to get better, and I want real tools for effecting change. My new therapist is Very Different from the ones who've come before her, yay! She gives me homework, for one thing, and she advises meditation, for another. I feel like I'm finally ready to stop running away when I feel bad, and to learn how to tolerate my discomfort so that I can make real decisions about how I want to react, instead of just reacting instinctually. That would be a big change for me, and an exciting one.
Posted by Rose at October 3, 2006 04:07 PM
Comments
Care to share the name of your new therapist? I just started back and while I was happy at first, it has sunk into the regular ol' talk therapy rather quickly.
I sent you a few emails, but either you're not ready to run (and of course, with a high heart rate, best not for now) or they're being filtered to your junk folder. Or some other reason.
Feel free to tell me to leave you alone already.
Posted by: valerie at October 3, 2006 05:00 PM
good luck with the cardiologist!
Posted by: neural at October 3, 2006 06:16 PM