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September 20, 2006
Better that I break the window
More. Bad. Mood.
Woke up too early this morning, after a nightmare that involved my long-gone crazy ex and included a lot of very button-pushing junk. Laid in bed for about an hour, trying to get back to sleep.
You could call my thoughts suicidal, but that wouldn't be exactly right. I understand the cost of suicide, and if I were actually suicidal, I'd go straight to a hospital. But my thoughts were those *sort* of thoughts, the bad ones from the hindbrain that say "You fuck everything up" and "You aren't good at anything you do" and "Everything is totally meaningless"
I found myself getting upset about the metaproblem, too. Is this what my life's going to be like? Crawling out of depressions, throwing myself at chances at happiness, falling from great heights, which leads to then crawling, once again, out of another depression? It's exhausting, and I'm sick of it. Why do I take chances anymore? Why do I set myself up to be disappointed and rejected?
Why can't I just stay in my little corner, and be content with what I have, and stop believing in a bigger world that has better things in it? I am so fucking stupid, to keep getting myself into situations where my reach exceeds my grasp.
Or maybe the problem is that I'm too bright, that I see too many possibilities. I've often thought I'd be happier if I were just a little stupider, maybe about 20 IQ points.
Francis cheered me out of my despair this morning, and I took some medicine and went to yoga, but the question remains: What does it all mean? And why do I keep fucking everything up? And when am I ever going to learn?
Life doesn't feel like a grand adventure filled with shiny treats right now. It feels like taking test after test that I'm unprepared for, and failing, over and over, while I *tell* myself that *actually*, life is a grand adventure filled with shiny treats. I'm so tired of trying to talk myself into life.
Posted by Rose at September 20, 2006 12:44 PM
Comments
Rose, After I read this post, and at a loss for words, I continued on looking at blogs I follow. I found this on Ron Pettit's blog. He has been struggling on his life path, too. Different struggles than yours but then maybe pain is pain. Anyway, here it is:
ronnie pettit
"If a man has something to say he will find a way of saying it."
quote of the night
By pettit
i can't seem to string together any combination of meaningful words right now, so i'll let someone else say something that i think is important.
"the more i observe people, the more i am convinced that a "grace of god" factor contributes to individual differences beyond anything we can ever measure "scientifically." some people do almost anything to heal, to be whole. their curiosity, willingness to risk, passion for life, and burning desire to grow lead them to push through fear, pain, and terror to find contentment and happiness. others, with seemingly similar backgrounds, back off when the road gets tough. some people stumble over something that changes their path. a seemingly random event in their life lights their fire or causes them to change major beliefs about themselves and their lives. some seem born with it. as tiny children they seem to reach for the stars. no matter what we start with, every one of us can open the door to recovery. it is simply a matter of saying, " i choose life above all else. i am willing to go to any lengths to be my true self. and i am willing to let go of anything that blocks my path."
charlotte davis kasl, ph.d.
pg.246 a search for love and power:
women, sex, and addiction
Posted by: caroline at September 20, 2006 01:27 PM
I have a similar pattern, as you must know, because you sat and listened to me complain for 3 hours once when I was at a low point.
My therapist says I have to be smart and resourceful, and make a plan how I'm going to love myself and not try to depend on a middleman magician who will come in and make me feel wonderful.
We found out that I have a belief that if I become self-reliant and love myself enough that I don't care if anyone else is paying attention to me, that then I will then end up being alone and dying of loneliness.
I'm passing this along in case the insight helps you more than it is helping me so far.
I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out the way you wanted.
Posted by: Elaine at October 22, 2006 10:26 PM
i have no idea how i stumbled across this post, after someone ele posted a quote from my blog...but i will add, that...life has no meaning except what you give to it. you will never stop fuckng things up until you change your perspective and expectations. and, you will never learn as long as you follow, rather than lead yourself through your own life. in the meantime, love is free. believe me, i know a thing or two about this shit.
Posted by: ron pettit at November 20, 2006 10:49 PM