Heaneyland!

That's what he was talking about

There was a very vocal fellow on my train car this evening. At first, he was trying to engage a black man sitting across from him in conversation -- which consisted almost entirely of his praising the large asses of black women, proclaiming how nice it was to have a black ass sitting on one's face, and explaining how white women wish they had asses that could compare with those of black women. People all over the subway car were shaking their heads sadly (or having sudden fits of uncontrollable laughter) and exchanging what-is-with-that-guy glances. It's nice how nutjobs bring people together.

Anyway, the man that the nutjob was trying to talk to got off the train, at which point our admirer of black asses simply began delivering his thoughts in monologue form to the subway car at large. I soon decided that his remarks should be transcribed:

Yeah...black lovin'. That's what I'm talking about.

I'm Puerto Rican.

The white girls, they jealous. They ain't got no kind of ass.

I could take a black girl like you, take your big ass and put it on my face and just let it stay there. If you don't like it, fuck you. Jealous. That's all they are. Jealous. These white women wish they could have a Puerto Rican guy suck their ass.

Up to this point, our assman had stayed remarkably on message: black asses = large = good. I was thinking that there were more than a few Democrats who could learn something from this man about taking a simple message and sticking with it. God knows it works for the Republicans. Although the fellow had admittedly had one John Kerry-ish moment when he compared having an ass on one's face to a Chinese restaurant. This was earlier, though, before he was talking to the car at large, so it was hard to hear. I thought he was comparing a black ass on one's face to a Chinese restaurant, because you get big portions at a Chinese restaurant. Lorinne thought he had been making an unfavorable comparison of a Chinese restaurant to a white ass, because you get too many bones in both. Alas, wussy reporter that I am, I did not ask him to clarify.

Anyway, apart from the "Chinese restaurant" remark, he'd had one basic thesis and stuck with it. But then he seemed to become interested in another woman on the train -- if I read him correctly, a white woman sitting across from us (I'd guess late 30s to mid-40s, using a Palm Pilot). I feel this digression was an error, diluting his message. What happened to his firm stand on white women being unacceptable to him, because of their skinny asses? He was just a flip-flopper like everyone else. The transcript continues:

Now that is a sexy older woman. She's got some sexy-ass legs.

Just imagine in your mind that woman, old as she is, lookin' pretty like that, wrappin' those sexy-ass legs around your neck and you just eat it up. That's what I'm talking about.

Yo! You guys like us, we would beat up the whole train, trust me. Look at that woman, older woman. Beautiful, sexy legs on that woman. I don't even know how to behave. Look at those, bro. And then she's an older woman, very intelligent, very highly qualified. Guys like us can't even fuck with that. Trust me, we can't fuck with that. But you imagine those sexy legs wrapped around your face? I would love it. I would love to get strangled by those legs.

I don't know how to fuck her with a computer. [Laughs] I know how to play with those legs, but you give me a computer, I don't even know how to turn shit on. That's my life. I know sex to the fullest. But a computer? I can't fuck a computer for shit. I'm serious. I don't know how to play with a computer. But a pair of legs like that? Believe me, yo. I would play, like, Chinese checkers.

Chinese checkers? Once again, he had lost me. But it was moot, anyway -- we had reached our stop (and, to my relief, so had the woman to whom he had seemed to turn his attention; I was only too happy to be reassured that he and she were not going to end up getting off at the same station). Also leaving the car at the same station were the two young white woman who had been sitting across the aisle from him the entire time we'd been on the car, one of whom had a shapely, rather generously proportioned backside, which he had refrained from calling any attention to whatsoever (I assume because it contradicted his thesis). He really did remind me of the Republicans with his oratorical technique: stay on topic, ignore contradictory evidence, try to make women think you're on their side. I hope it'll be a losing strategy for them both.