Heaneyland!

Six-month-old celebrity news: just as irrelevant as it originally was

I'm happy to report that I no longer have any reason to own this T-shirt. And so, now that my microyears as the official Radar ticker writer are over, I thought I'd provide a look back at some highlights from the summer, for those of you who didn't have the patience to sit there while the ticker...scrolled...by...incredibly...slowly.

On August 10, 1948, "Candid Camera" made its television debut, inexorably leading to "Punk'd." Thanks a lot

Jennifer Aniston, re Brad Pitt: "Billy Idol called, he wants his look back." Tired comedic tropes called, Jen! They need some space!

Most amusingly named part of the human olfactory system: the sphenoidal sinus

Recent Wikipedia update: Entry for "washcloth" created. The full text: "A cloth for washing or wiping. See also: wipecloth"

From Amazon user review of new R. Kelly CD: "sadly he didnt include the best song of his career, the true to life 'i wanna pee on you'"

Did you know? Even people who generally like you find certain things about you annoying

Mimi Rogers says Tom Cruise wouldn't sleep with her during their marriage, to "maintain his celibacy."

From Amazon user review of "The Incredibles": "Why on earth do they have a character that speaks French (with subtitles). Kids can't read that."

K-Fed hasn't stopped smoking cigs near pregnant Britney, ensuring his child will be weak and unable to defeat him in combat

Recent Wikipedia update: Someone had capitalized "of" in a song title. I fixed it

If Michael J. Fox can't convince Bush to ease restrictions on stem cell research, who can? Seriously, who? Maybe some hot Christian babe?

"Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the whole of hip-hop myself."--Kanye West. Such a burden! Common, can't you cover for him for the weekend?

From Amazon user review of "Sideways" DVD (translated from German by Google): "Waste! Bad smell! Ugly thing! Unpleasantly!"

Ten years ago today: There were several Disneyland attractions that had no movie tie-ins whatsoever

Recent Wikipedia update: Gawker does not have a "funny, sarcastic voice"; does have a "supposedly funny, sarcastic voice" [Note: this edit was made by someone with a Conde Nast IP address -- Ed.]

Did you know? Many of the items on this ticker have been fact-checked

Possible tenth planet is discovered, providing new way for you to seem clueless when talking to schoolchildren

Spoiler alert: A spoiler is not really necessary on most sports cars

Man shot by London police turns out to not have been a terrorist at all! But nothing got blown up on the day they shot him, so maybe the system works

You know, Jude Law is getting a lot of flak these days, but what everyone forgets is that nannies are totally hot

According to American dossier on Hitler, he loved the circus but wasn't interested in animal acts "unless there [was] a woman in danger"

People want to know! Is Tom Cruise a total freaking psycho? Our libel-avoiding answer: mmmmmaybe

In the original version of the game Clue, the weapons included a bomb and a hypodermic syringe

Autopsy proves Terri Schiavo could not have recovered. GOP unconvinced she couldn't have led productive life as political pawn

Correction: Radar magazine does not literally use radar to track the movements of celebrities. Radar regrets the error

Abstinence Clearinghouse, a group urging Hollywood to make sex-free movies, is hosting a conference with the theme "Lights, camera, no action"

From Amazon user review of new Bill Maher book: "In order to charge $24.95 and call an item a book, there must be a text to blank space ratio of at least 1:1"

Josh Hartnett admits that his supposed relationship with Kelly Clarkson was a publicity stunt. A publicity stunt that I missed completely

The four Banana Splits were Bingo, Drooper, Fleegle, and Snork. (Note to young people: someday you will reminisce about crap no one else remembers either, so shut up)

Russell Crowe song lyric of the day: "I'm told cowgirls know when to sing and when to listen"

The smallest size of egg regulated by the USDA is "Peewee"

Producers of "The Island" blame Ewan MacGregor and Scarlett Johansson for film's failure. Man, writers really don't get any credit in Hollywood!

Ten years ago today: the names of romantically involved stars were not routinely combined into a single word

The full name of the Shakers sect is "United Society of Believers in Christ's Second Appearing." Which explains why they need a nickname

Recent Wikipedia update: incorrect punch line in "Double Entendre" entry amended to actually be a double entendre

Did you know? The difference between regular people and TV characters is that no one ever tells TV characters to stop saying the same phrase all the time

Celebrity haiku: Anna Nicole Smith / Will be forgotten someday / Probably Friday

More later, perhaps.